Stressors

Okay, so before stressor made me eat.  Stressor hit this evening and I did not reach for the snacks. I finished my work, grabbed my sneakers and went for a walk. Still working on reducing stressor, but I am glad I am using better ways to handle it.

love yourself

"If you don't love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won't be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with yourself - Wayne Dyer

Okay, so I fell off the self love wagon yesterday, but thanks to the truthful words of a dear friend I am back at it. I need to learn that I can only control how I handle situations and not how other people handle situations.

For the past 24-hours my mind has been swirling with how the "old" Wendy would handle this. But, now is the time to figure out how the new Wendy is going to handle these stressful and difficult situations.

As I build the new me, I can't rely on the old coping mechanisms. I can't bury them deep and forget they ever happened. I can't sweep them under the rug. I can't eat them away. I have to stand up, face them and let my feelings be known. It is easy to say that while I am sitting here in silence, just me, my pen and paper. But, I have to find the backbone to stand up for myself. I love and approve of myself.... and I must never ever forget that.

Conformity

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” - Rita Mae Brown

I found this quote and I thought, what a true statement. I have always done what I thought everyone wanted me to do and everyone was happy, but me.

But, after 50+ years of doing stuff for everyone else, how do you turn it off and focus on yourself?

I was thinking I could, but maybe I can't.

When life starts to spiral out of control, you go back to what is easy. What is simple. What feels like second nature. Just to do whatever it takes to make everyone happy. Even if that means you are unhappy.

I was so enjoying being happy, but it looks like I need to focus on keeping everyone else happy and never mind myself.

My best friend is upset with my husband and my husband is upset with her and I am caught in the middle. Oh, what a mess ... how do I fix it? Conformity, you just do what each one needs you to do and hope to work it out. I am not so sure that it will. But I am going to try. I know I am not supposed to use that word, but ... I don't know what else to do ....

Sunrise or sunset, which do you prefer?

Some say that a person who likes a sunset is glad the day is over, while a person who delights at a sunrise looks forward to the coming day. Do you agree?

It's an interesting theory, but does it hold water? I think I am a sunset person. I have always said that is because I don't have to get up early to see the sunset. Could the real reason I like sunsets is because the day is over? The sunset brings an end to the pretending. The pretending that everything is great. The pretending that life is good? But on the flipside of that coin, the sunset also brings the darkness, the darkness that envelopes you and surrounds you. The darkness holds your self doubt, the darkness where your secrets live, the darkness that you run from, the lonliness and the fear. I am not a fan of the darkness. So, why do I like sunsets?

Let me go a bit deeper. I don't think the night ever quiteted my thoughts, in fact I know I have had some of my biggest meltdowns at night. Darkness has never been my friend, in fact darkness only enhances my feelings if self doubt, worthlessness and fear of failure.

I am learning that I am loved and to love myself. That I am strong and powerful. That my contributions on this earth are meaningful and provide me with a purpose. 

Let's talk about sunrise. The dawn of a new day. The first hint of the sun on the horizon. It should not be a time of dread, facing what lies ahead of you that day. Thinking that it another day of make believe, make believe everything is good, make believe everything is right.

It should be and will be, from today on, a time to succeed. A time to learn more about myself, my strengths and to do more good. Another day to love and approve of myself. Another day to rejoice in the day the Lord and I have made a good one.

A Crystal Ball or Just a Sixth Sense?

I don't know how he does it, but he has this sixth sense ... he seems to know what is untold, unsaid and buried deep inside.

He makes you think and think and think. It is unnerving, frightening and maybe uplifting and freeing all at the same time. If that makes any sense.

I believe I am ready to write the next chapter.

He is a great friend and is willing to help anyone with any thing.

Busy is no Excuse

We have had a busy few days, but busy is no excuse ... you need ME time.

I have been finding it at 6am. I am surprised that I get up and go. But I do! It is important for me! Sometimes YOU is what most important! We often forget that, but I am working hard to remind myself of that daily!

I am important! I am worth it! I am fearless! I am strong!

Why did I Retire from the Army?

When we were walking and talking the other night and I had a thought.

What was the real reason I retired. I always say I did not feel the "third time was the charm."

But was it really because I did not want to go back into a war zone? Of course that was part if it, but subconsciously was there more to it?

Being put into that fright or flight place again, was that too much to handle? Probably.

I sure there is more ...

Forgiveness

 Forgiveness is empowering.

Yesterday's session was uplifting, scary and peaceful all at the same time. I can't describe it any other way. I believe I am still processing the session. But, I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and I KNOW it is not a train this time.

After the hard work I accomplished yesterday, we get a few retired military members camped next to us that like to boost, toot their horns and act like them. I forgive these boys for their actions, but seeing more blow-hards like them today is a bit nerve wracking.

I offered forgiveness, but I also have to accept it. You can't forgive someone else, if you can't forgive yourself. I am still working on that one. But, it is getting easier. 

When I get a compliment, I can say thank you and not something to deflect the praise.

Jokes

How does the fat kid deal with other kids calling them fat. They make the joke about themselves first. Everyone is laughing, but the fat kid is crying inside. 

That was me. In the second grade I remember being the 2nd tallest and the 2nd heaviest. Patrick Rawls beat me out for the heaviest. I don't remember why we all were weighted & measured, but I do remember I wore that title like a badge of honor. It is only now that I am beginning to understand the affect that has had on my life.

I made a joke about myself and a wide load today. On my new path in life, being the brunt of the jokes stops today. I am worthy of better than that. 

I love and approve of myself.

First sign of progress

Tonight we went to dinner and I got three shrimp tacos. Normally I would have chowed down on all three. But after one I was feeling full and after the second one I knew I was done.

I can't tell you the last time I did not clean my plate. I think it was a conscious and subconscious decision. 

But, I like the way it made me feel accomplished. I also tracked all three meals in my WW app today. That was a first in many, many months.

Getting Back to the Why?

Gary asked me why now? I did not think I had a valid answer, but after some reflection I think I do.

I was sick and tired of how I felt about myself and my life, but mostly about myself. My body image was terrible, because of the extra weight. This made me feel like a failure because I could not lose the weight. Feeling like a failure weighed on my mind and affected other aspects of my life.

I have had a virtual fitness coach from Fitbit for almost a year. I took her advise and we "chatted" weekly. Back a few months ago, it felt like my emotions were going off the rails and I was more depressed than normal. Putting on the happy friendly exterior, but breaking apart slowly on the inside.  She kept reaching out and I ignored her. We eventually reconnected and are still working together.

But I think that deep dark place I was in was the tipping point. It was either leave this life or live this life. I am glad I chose to live this life.

Guilt is a big pill to swallow, let alone bring up.

 Wow, today was a marathon session ... but it was powerful. I fell lighter in my mind and body!

It is amazing how your subconscious works. It can take something and bury it so deep that it takes a ton of guts and determination to get it out. That hard to swallow pill was stuck way down here.

But, when you pull that guilt out and face it, wow how enlightening it can feel. Today was a huge leap to a better me!

Thanks for the push, as gentle as it was.

Walking and Talking

Sometimes when you are walking and talking things can become clearer and sometimes they seem to get a bit more muddied.

Walking and talking I shared the "vision" probably not the right word ... that I had with my mother the other night. The basics of the "vision" I blogged about the other day. Gary helped me sort through some of the feelings and emotions that the "vision" created.

When I see her again, I have one more question to ask her. Are we good now?

How do deceased people from your past help you now?

 I keep seeing and feeling my Mom is near by and I am not sure why.

My Hypnotherapist says she and I have unfinished business. I guess that could be true. We had a tricky relationship. 

Growing up, she stopped working until we were in middle school. She made us tow the line and we had what we needed but not everything we wanted. As I grew up, I began to rebel. I got into Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT) and she was very happy. I also got accepted at Brockport. I choose Brockport, so I could live on campus and move away from home. When I got the ROTC scholarship, she should have been happy, but she never approved of me joining the military. She never liked my moving away. 

I do believe that she loved and supported me, but my independence was very different than her life. She was the last of 3 sisters married. She lived her whole life in the same house, the one her father built. Her older sister lived 2 doors down. Her younger sister moved to another town and my mother always treated her nicely, but behind her back she spoke differently. Sometimes I think she saw her little sister in me and that might account for some of our relationship issues.

I am hoping we can work it out and I can move forward in my journey.

TRY is a negative word?

 That statement makes me go hmmmmmm?

I am learning that TRY is a word you say, so you an easily accept the failure that will inevitably follow. When the outcome is not positive, you can say "at least I tried."

Try to think about how many times in a day, you say "I'll try." It is probably many more times than you think. I am going to try .... hahahaha ... I am going to replace that word with a more positive word ... will.

I will believe in myself.

I will achieve my perfect body weight.

I will love myself.

When is it ME time?

Since June 1st, I have strived hard to focus on me .... but life always pops up and ME goes to the back burner. How do I change that? 

What is going on you you ask?

We took a job that starts soon and involves prep work. Normally that would not be an issue, but ... My husband has a lot on his plate and needs extea love, some help, support, reassurance and calming. My dear friend, and work partner, is feeling loads of stress and she needs me too. Sometimes it seems like more of my life is spent on others. How do you say NO ... it is ME time now!

Maybe that should have been one of my three focuses?

Since we are driving the RV today, while it has been quiet, I have been reciting my self talk alot.

I love and approve of myself. I am happy, healthy, safe and successful. I have achieved my perfect body weight of 185.

Words ... why are some words so difficult?

 Words ... they are just words ... then why do I struggle over approve and successful ... 

Merriam-Webster's definition of approve is "officially agree to or accept as satisfactory." Do I not agree with that statement? Do I not feel my life is satisfactory. On the outside I do, but on the inside do I feel something else? I have never been one to dive deep into internal feelings, but maybe now is the time? Could there be some truth to if you believe it you will achieve it?

Merriam-Webster's definition of  successful is "resulting or ending well or in success; gaining or having gained success." Looking at my "lifetime" resume most would say I have been successful, but why can't I believe it?

I will continue to recite my daily self talk and see if these two words come any easier. 

Session #1 - June 1st, 2022

I had my first session. I am not sure if it was good or not. The Hypnotherapist said it was very good. I remember bits and pieces of it, but not really a clear picture.

I do remember i talked to my Mom today, its kind of wierd, I have not talked to her in more than 10 years. She passed away in 2011. I have always felt like I failed her, because after my Dad died I was not there for her. She lived a lonely 10 years and I can not forgive myself for that. But I must find a way to do that. I don't think I can move forward without that forgiveness. I will work this out somehow.

I have a daily self talk ... I will recite it over and over, many times each day. It may sound simple, but if I understand it is positive reinforcement.

I love and approve of myself. I am happy, healthy, safe and successful. I have achieved my perfect body weight of 185.

I have posted little copies of this all over the camper.

Enough for today, tomorrow is another day.

Go back a few months and answer this question ... Why now? - May 30th, 2022

I have been talking to a friend, who is also a hypnotherapist and I am seriously thinking about accepting his offer to help.

He asked me to journal, I guess a blog is like a journal. I am a better typer than I am a writer.

He asked me to go back a few months and figure out why now ...

I will go back to Monday May 2nd, 2022 I started walking. I made my hashtag #startingoveragain. I made a commitment, a commitment I have made many times before but never followed through. I told myself, this time I would ... but why? I don't know why, but I am focused on trying to stick with it.

For almost a whole year, the VA has afforded me the opportunity to have a virtual personal trainer thru the Fitbit App. I have used it a little, but certainly not to the fullest that I should have been and could have been. I have been given help on a silver platter and pushed it away. I wish I knew why ...

Since May 2nd, I have walked almost everyday. I don't have an exact count but it is the longest streak of exercise I have had in a long time.

I went to a WW meeting on Saturday May 28th in Mansfield PA ... my weight was up 1 pound from my last weigh-in at my home location in Zephyrhills on May 6th ... 235 .... I have been walking like a fool and look at the reward .... another pound added on!

I went back into my WW app and I joined March 22nd, 2006. Wow, that was a long time ago ... but sadly my weight was only 10 pounds heavier than I am now ... 245.8 lbs

That certainly is not a banner weight loss.

Taking a New Approach - June 1st, 2022

Can you really turn your life around by just reprogramming your mind?

Well, I am not sure what the answer is, but I am going to try. I am meeting with a Hypnotherapist in just a few hours.

How will it go, I don't know. Do I have expectations? Yes, I do ... I want it to work. Will it work? I am not sure, but I am willing to give it my all.

I am ready for a change in my life and I am hoping this is one of the answers.

Stay tuned for updates.