A Crystal Ball or Just a Sixth Sense?

I don't know how he does it, but he has this sixth sense ... he seems to know what is untold, unsaid and buried deep inside.

He makes you think and think and think. It is unnerving, frightening and maybe uplifting and freeing all at the same time. If that makes any sense.

I believe I am ready to write the next chapter.

He is a great friend and is willing to help anyone with any thing.

Busy is no Excuse

We have had a busy few days, but busy is no excuse ... you need ME time.

I have been finding it at 6am. I am surprised that I get up and go. But I do! It is important for me! Sometimes YOU is what most important! We often forget that, but I am working hard to remind myself of that daily!

I am important! I am worth it! I am fearless! I am strong!

Why did I Retire from the Army?

When we were walking and talking the other night and I had a thought.

What was the real reason I retired. I always say I did not feel the "third time was the charm."

But was it really because I did not want to go back into a war zone? Of course that was part if it, but subconsciously was there more to it?

Being put into that fright or flight place again, was that too much to handle? Probably.

I sure there is more ...

Forgiveness

 Forgiveness is empowering.

Yesterday's session was uplifting, scary and peaceful all at the same time. I can't describe it any other way. I believe I am still processing the session. But, I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and I KNOW it is not a train this time.

After the hard work I accomplished yesterday, we get a few retired military members camped next to us that like to boost, toot their horns and act like them. I forgive these boys for their actions, but seeing more blow-hards like them today is a bit nerve wracking.

I offered forgiveness, but I also have to accept it. You can't forgive someone else, if you can't forgive yourself. I am still working on that one. But, it is getting easier. 

When I get a compliment, I can say thank you and not something to deflect the praise.

Jokes

How does the fat kid deal with other kids calling them fat. They make the joke about themselves first. Everyone is laughing, but the fat kid is crying inside. 

That was me. In the second grade I remember being the 2nd tallest and the 2nd heaviest. Patrick Rawls beat me out for the heaviest. I don't remember why we all were weighted & measured, but I do remember I wore that title like a badge of honor. It is only now that I am beginning to understand the affect that has had on my life.

I made a joke about myself and a wide load today. On my new path in life, being the brunt of the jokes stops today. I am worthy of better than that. 

I love and approve of myself.

First sign of progress

Tonight we went to dinner and I got three shrimp tacos. Normally I would have chowed down on all three. But after one I was feeling full and after the second one I knew I was done.

I can't tell you the last time I did not clean my plate. I think it was a conscious and subconscious decision. 

But, I like the way it made me feel accomplished. I also tracked all three meals in my WW app today. That was a first in many, many months.

Getting Back to the Why?

Gary asked me why now? I did not think I had a valid answer, but after some reflection I think I do.

I was sick and tired of how I felt about myself and my life, but mostly about myself. My body image was terrible, because of the extra weight. This made me feel like a failure because I could not lose the weight. Feeling like a failure weighed on my mind and affected other aspects of my life.

I have had a virtual fitness coach from Fitbit for almost a year. I took her advise and we "chatted" weekly. Back a few months ago, it felt like my emotions were going off the rails and I was more depressed than normal. Putting on the happy friendly exterior, but breaking apart slowly on the inside.  She kept reaching out and I ignored her. We eventually reconnected and are still working together.

But I think that deep dark place I was in was the tipping point. It was either leave this life or live this life. I am glad I chose to live this life.

Guilt is a big pill to swallow, let alone bring up.

 Wow, today was a marathon session ... but it was powerful. I fell lighter in my mind and body!

It is amazing how your subconscious works. It can take something and bury it so deep that it takes a ton of guts and determination to get it out. That hard to swallow pill was stuck way down here.

But, when you pull that guilt out and face it, wow how enlightening it can feel. Today was a huge leap to a better me!

Thanks for the push, as gentle as it was.

Walking and Talking

Sometimes when you are walking and talking things can become clearer and sometimes they seem to get a bit more muddied.

Walking and talking I shared the "vision" probably not the right word ... that I had with my mother the other night. The basics of the "vision" I blogged about the other day. Gary helped me sort through some of the feelings and emotions that the "vision" created.

When I see her again, I have one more question to ask her. Are we good now?

How do deceased people from your past help you now?

 I keep seeing and feeling my Mom is near by and I am not sure why.

My Hypnotherapist says she and I have unfinished business. I guess that could be true. We had a tricky relationship. 

Growing up, she stopped working until we were in middle school. She made us tow the line and we had what we needed but not everything we wanted. As I grew up, I began to rebel. I got into Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT) and she was very happy. I also got accepted at Brockport. I choose Brockport, so I could live on campus and move away from home. When I got the ROTC scholarship, she should have been happy, but she never approved of me joining the military. She never liked my moving away. 

I do believe that she loved and supported me, but my independence was very different than her life. She was the last of 3 sisters married. She lived her whole life in the same house, the one her father built. Her older sister lived 2 doors down. Her younger sister moved to another town and my mother always treated her nicely, but behind her back she spoke differently. Sometimes I think she saw her little sister in me and that might account for some of our relationship issues.

I am hoping we can work it out and I can move forward in my journey.

TRY is a negative word?

 That statement makes me go hmmmmmm?

I am learning that TRY is a word you say, so you an easily accept the failure that will inevitably follow. When the outcome is not positive, you can say "at least I tried."

Try to think about how many times in a day, you say "I'll try." It is probably many more times than you think. I am going to try .... hahahaha ... I am going to replace that word with a more positive word ... will.

I will believe in myself.

I will achieve my perfect body weight.

I will love myself.