It's more than just a #

I know the scale is only one of the measures of this journey I am on. That came crystal clear the other day. I got a hair cut that I am very happy with and I snapped a picture in the bathroom mirror to show my hairstylist in FL could cut it the same way.

Big shock for me ... I looked great in the picture! I hate my picture taken, because I never liked the way I looked. This picture changed my perspective.

I am so excited to continue on this journey!

a BREAKTHROUGH moment for my husband

So, when I started this journey with a Hypnotherapist his only condition was my husband had to know about it and be okay with it. I talked to my husband and he was okay with the process. But I don't think he understood what could happen during this transformation.

I love him and I know he loves me. But this journey is not easy and it takes dedication and committment. I committed to it on 5/28 and weighed in at 235. On 7/8 I weighed in at 220. The journey is not all about the scale,  but that helps!

This morning, my husband told me that my hard work is paying off and I am going to be successful! For him to say this is a huge statement of support! I am thrilled by this and so very pumped! 

I am going to be successful!

Time to Stand on My Own Two Feet!

For 30-plus days I have had the support of so many people, as I have moved forward on this journey. Now I am back to myself and my spouse, occasionally there are others around. But most of the time,  it is just the two of us. Can I stay focused on what is important? ME? I am setting the bar high for myself and saying yes! Tomorrow is day 1 ... wish me luck! I can use it, but I know in my heart and head what is important and I am ready for the journey to continue.

High Highs Snapped by Lows

Today I found a scale.

5/28 I weighed 235.0

7/8 I weighed 218.8

To say I am thrilled is an understatement. I have the highest high I have had in a long time.

But a high can quickly be snapped by a low.

Disrespect is my toughest challenge yet. I am not sure if disrespect is the right word, maybe it is hurt. You would think at 57 years old I would have thicker skin. But I guess not. Why is it when things don't go right, I am the brunt of the corse words and the hours of silence if I get upset? How do get past this ....

I told myself when I stepped off the scale, nothing would ruin my happy, happy day .... so I am saying my daily affirmations about a million times today!

Disrespect

I was told that if you let people disrespect you, you give them power over you. How do you change that? How do you stand up fir yourself when they verbally strike-out in frustration. You know they are not frustrated with you, but a situation. Still the sting of the strike does not hurt any less. 

Sometimes I think I am just making excuses for them, because the truth hurts. But, I want to change because I am tired of hurting.

The Final Piece

Yesterday was a great day. I feel at peace. I feel alive and happy.

I am not sure how the unconscious mind works, but I can say it works. After my 4th session my feelings of guilt are banished from my mind. I have accepted the past as the past and I am looking forward to my future.

Ahhh Haaaa Moment

This morning I had an event that helped solidify that my new outlook and hard work is paying off.

My husband and my work shirts all look the same. Only the sizes are different. While I was out walking, he got dressed. When I got back to the rig he said "the red shirt on the bed is a ladies shirt and too small for me." I picked it up and was going to give it to our Wagonmaster, she could wear it. Then I said, no ... someday I will be able to wear it. Then I said, what the heck I will try it on.

Guess what, it fit and I am wearing it today! Today, July 1st, 2022 ... it fit! 

One small victory on this journey!

Stressors

Okay, so before stressor made me eat.  Stressor hit this evening and I did not reach for the snacks. I finished my work, grabbed my sneakers and went for a walk. Still working on reducing stressor, but I am glad I am using better ways to handle it.

love yourself

"If you don't love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won't be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with yourself - Wayne Dyer

Okay, so I fell off the self love wagon yesterday, but thanks to the truthful words of a dear friend I am back at it. I need to learn that I can only control how I handle situations and not how other people handle situations.

For the past 24-hours my mind has been swirling with how the "old" Wendy would handle this. But, now is the time to figure out how the new Wendy is going to handle these stressful and difficult situations.

As I build the new me, I can't rely on the old coping mechanisms. I can't bury them deep and forget they ever happened. I can't sweep them under the rug. I can't eat them away. I have to stand up, face them and let my feelings be known. It is easy to say that while I am sitting here in silence, just me, my pen and paper. But, I have to find the backbone to stand up for myself. I love and approve of myself.... and I must never ever forget that.

Conformity

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” - Rita Mae Brown

I found this quote and I thought, what a true statement. I have always done what I thought everyone wanted me to do and everyone was happy, but me.

But, after 50+ years of doing stuff for everyone else, how do you turn it off and focus on yourself?

I was thinking I could, but maybe I can't.

When life starts to spiral out of control, you go back to what is easy. What is simple. What feels like second nature. Just to do whatever it takes to make everyone happy. Even if that means you are unhappy.

I was so enjoying being happy, but it looks like I need to focus on keeping everyone else happy and never mind myself.

My best friend is upset with my husband and my husband is upset with her and I am caught in the middle. Oh, what a mess ... how do I fix it? Conformity, you just do what each one needs you to do and hope to work it out. I am not so sure that it will. But I am going to try. I know I am not supposed to use that word, but ... I don't know what else to do ....

Sunrise or sunset, which do you prefer?

Some say that a person who likes a sunset is glad the day is over, while a person who delights at a sunrise looks forward to the coming day. Do you agree?

It's an interesting theory, but does it hold water? I think I am a sunset person. I have always said that is because I don't have to get up early to see the sunset. Could the real reason I like sunsets is because the day is over? The sunset brings an end to the pretending. The pretending that everything is great. The pretending that life is good? But on the flipside of that coin, the sunset also brings the darkness, the darkness that envelopes you and surrounds you. The darkness holds your self doubt, the darkness where your secrets live, the darkness that you run from, the lonliness and the fear. I am not a fan of the darkness. So, why do I like sunsets?

Let me go a bit deeper. I don't think the night ever quiteted my thoughts, in fact I know I have had some of my biggest meltdowns at night. Darkness has never been my friend, in fact darkness only enhances my feelings if self doubt, worthlessness and fear of failure.

I am learning that I am loved and to love myself. That I am strong and powerful. That my contributions on this earth are meaningful and provide me with a purpose. 

Let's talk about sunrise. The dawn of a new day. The first hint of the sun on the horizon. It should not be a time of dread, facing what lies ahead of you that day. Thinking that it another day of make believe, make believe everything is good, make believe everything is right.

It should be and will be, from today on, a time to succeed. A time to learn more about myself, my strengths and to do more good. Another day to love and approve of myself. Another day to rejoice in the day the Lord and I have made a good one.